I have never been to all 50 states.I have never been in a helicopter.I have never shaken the hand of someone extremely influential (at least not by pop culture's definition).I have never been married.I have never given birth.I have never seen the Eiffel Tower.
The list could go on and on. I'm sure that not all 82 year olds have done everything that I have listed, for what I have listed are things that go through my head of what I would like to have done by the time I am 82.
There is something I have been a part of that maybe a lot of you have been a part of too.
It's taking me a lot of guts in order to post this because I have never really addressed it and just put it aside, yet it haunts me everyday, even on good days. I have been able to forgive but forgetting it would not make me who I am today.
SO HERE IT GOES... (IN CASE YOU DIDN'T START READING UNTIL YOU SAW THE CAPS AND COLOR)
It took me a long time to build up what positive self-esteem I have now. As a child I was chubby, had crooked teeth, and wore glasses. I was never the smartest, I was never the athlete, I was never the prettiest, my family wasn't well off. It should come to no surprise that I was constantly ridiculed. School can be the most horrible place on the planet, and that is how I felt. Going to school every day was bittersweet to me. I loved learning and getting to see my friends. I hated getting dressed (everything was too tight) and having to go through the same ridicule once again.
To say that it was just kids from school that treated me this way would be a lie. It came from relatives and family friends as well.
Because we tend to first believe what people tell us, I thought I was fat and ugly. I never thought I would have my first kiss or ever really fit in.
Maybe I am being dramatic, and yes, maybe this is a pity-party, but it is my blog and you are still reading it.
(DONT WORRY IT GETS TO BE LESS OF A PITY PARTY SO IN CASE YOU GOT BORED.. HERE IS THE GOOD PART)
Of course this couldn't have been everyone else's fault. . I never handled myself well. My self-awareness of my bad behavior made my self-esteem drop even lower, so I took it to an extreme.
If you know me, then you know that I went through a phase. I wasn't a good person. I didn't do good things. By this point I wasn't the fat girl with glasses and crooked teeth anymore. I suppose a lot of you don't know this but I did have an eating disorder. I would maybe consume 500 calories a day and would find a way to take diet pills and would run like crazy. So there that is, out in the open.
So I looked different, yes, but my self-esteem.. yeah, that was still pretty low.
People didn't stop making fun of me, boys only wanted to kiss me, never date me, and that probably took me to the lowest of lows. This was probably around freshman and sophomore year of high school. (SO HERE IS MY BIGGEST CONFESSION) I attempted suicide. On countless occasions but never could bring myself to do it.
Looks didn't make a difference... It wasn't until I changed my attitude that my self-esteem began to rise. The people that I thought didn't like me just didn't like my attitude.
Love everyone, and they will love you too. Do unto others and you would like them to do unto you.
I still struggle with my self-esteem every day. I don't know if that will ever change because the past is the past, but it will always be behind you. It doesn't just disappear. We can bury the hatchet yes, and relationships can be restored, yes, and you can be best friends with who was once your worst enemy, yes, but the past will still emotionally scar you. Even if it's just YOU that you think about.. it will still always be there.
I am now able to look in a mirror and think "I am beautiful, we are all beautiful," but when I think that I will also think about the struggle it was to get to this point.
I know that there is a reason worth living.
(SO MY POINT OF THIS BLOG)
When I am 82, I will still have had those life experiences. I will still be reminded, but now I know that I can be open about it. So my point of this blog is that it is okay to be open about the things that have made you who you are today. It is okay to be open about the issues you are dealing with, because if any of you thought about yourself when reading this, then you know how hard it can be to truly express how you are feeling without the fear of being judged for saying it or expressing it. It's okay. We all have struggles and we all have fear. Let it be known to the world that EVERYONE STRUGGLES. So don't let them judge you. I'm not hiding anymore.. are you?
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