For the most part we are just all on a quest to find something. I am disappointed in myself because I have found what I was truly meant to find only to become dependent on the most undependable things. People are always looking for love because without love, what is the reason to stay alive as we all strive for it.
"What is life without a purpose, what is purpose without love?" -La Dispute.
When I say I have found what I was looking for, I don't necessarily mean that I have found the one thing that has made me happy and lost it, because the one thing that makes me happy is something you can never lose. When people say "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" they know what they are talking about because pain is a part of life that we have to experience to make ourselves stronger people.
I have made the most changes, the most mistakes, the best decisions, and have met the most influential people in the past year.
I have tried new things, I have seen places, I have experienced the worst people and the best people and as these things have happened I have built a stronger front to prepare me for what is to come.
I don't think my heart has felt as much pain as it has in the past year but I don't think it's ever beat this strong before either. But strength can be confused with pretending to be strong. Are we ever really strong? Or do we just learn how to deal with things?
On this quest, we want to find someone who loves us just as much as we love them. I suppose I am tired of searching and am going to sit back and wait until I find the mortal person who I can see a future with. I have found the greatest love of all with God.
Never have I ever? Ever played that game? Why is it that every time I play I fail to mention "Never have I ever been left behind by God" and instead I say the most irrelevant things. Because thinking about it you can always depend on Him. God has never stressed me out, He's always comforted me.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
When it comes to the men of the earth I am just ready to come across the right one because I finally think I deserve it.
I finally think that I have a reason to have standards. I am not the same awkward child. I am not the same drama filled teenager. I have grown out of my awkward stage (well for the most part), I try to filter the drama, I have a strong will to succeed in life, and I know that I deserve way better than what I have settled with in the past. The only person that I have found that knew me for all of it I let go of because I was thought I wasn't good enough. I can finally admit that to myself and wish that I could admit it to that person but I know now that it's too late. I didn't do what I did because I was confused, or hurt, or wanted to be free for a while, it's because I was finally beginning to feel true love and it scared me and I fled like a coward. I'm sorry and it will be a regret added to a list that is very short. I hope you know that is why I did it one day. I hope you will understand but I know that you are so shut off that I will probably never have the chance to tell you how it is.
I have never been this open about my ex but this is my blog, my expression and truthfully he is who I will always look up to because he supported me in life-changing decisions when others wouldn't. It's because of him that I know what a girl should be treated like, what a girl shouldn't be treated like, how a girl should treat a boy and how a girl shouldn't treat a boy. I think that maybe our relationship came at the wrong time, we were 16, we were unaware, we were in love. If we had been older I wonder if things may have turned out differently.
I suppose this quest will be a long one but what is the rush? I am young, free, but.. I am ready for a man. I am ready for a man that will take that initiative to lead. A man of God, a man of reason, an educated man who is as headstrong as I am.
When the proverbs 31 woman video came out I couldn't help but think of how much I want to be that woman, how much I want to live up to something that I left behind but the epiphany I had this morning when I woke up made me realize that I never really left it behind, but that it was just my silhouette as I was running away, waiting for me to catch up to it, rather than it catch up to me. What I strive for is to be a great example for people, I don't do what I do for myself, what's the purpose in that? I have so much to live for and so much of that life has to be lived the way it was supposed to be lived according to the library of wisdom, the Bible. I hope in the time that I become a Proverbs 31 woman, that I will find a Proverbs 1-30 man.
I hope my quest will be interesting, who likes a boring story? I just hope that in my quest I can let myself give it to God and know that he knows what is truly best for me.
