Friendships

My biggest fear... losing friendships. I have lost a lot so many times this year and I keep trying to figure out why none of my friendships work out. Some people don't like who I have become and others don't like it when I try to change. Truth is, I don't know who I am. I can't figure it out because ever since I found out what a horrible person I was to a specific person, I have spent the rest of my time trying to change that. I was selfish then and now I am trying to make everyone else around me happy. Why is it that I can't be happy without everyone else's judgments. I'm trying to make an effort to keep you as a friend, so please acknowledge that. Help me be happy as well because that's what friends are supposed to do. I'm tired of asking, "Who am I?"

"When I Was Young" -Elderly People

Being only 19 doesn't give me much insight on life as much as a 82 year old would.

I have never been to all 50 states.I have never been in a helicopter.I have never shaken the hand of someone extremely influential (at least not by pop culture's definition).I have never been married.I have never given birth.I have never seen the Eiffel Tower.

The list could go on and on. I'm sure that not all 82 year olds have done everything that I have listed, for what I have listed are things that go through my head of what I would like to have done by the time I am 82.

There is something I have been a part of that maybe a lot of you have been a part of too.

It's taking me a lot of guts in order to post this because I have never really addressed it and just put it aside, yet it haunts me everyday, even on good days. I have been able to forgive but forgetting it would not make me who I am today.

SO HERE IT GOES... (IN CASE YOU DIDN'T START READING UNTIL YOU SAW THE CAPS AND COLOR)

It took me a long time to build up what positive self-esteem I have now. As a child I was chubby, had crooked teeth, and wore glasses. I was never the smartest, I was never the athlete, I was never the prettiest, my family wasn't well off. It should come to no surprise that I was constantly ridiculed. School can be the most horrible place on the planet, and that is how I felt. Going to school every day was bittersweet to me. I loved learning and getting to see my friends. I hated getting dressed (everything was too tight) and having to go through the same ridicule once again.

To say that it was just kids from school that treated me this way would be a lie. It came from relatives and family friends as well.

Because we tend to first believe what people tell us, I thought I was fat and ugly. I never thought I would have my first kiss or ever really fit in.

Maybe I am being dramatic, and yes, maybe this is a pity-party, but it is my blog and you are still reading it.

(DONT WORRY IT GETS TO BE LESS OF A PITY PARTY SO IN CASE YOU GOT BORED.. HERE IS THE GOOD PART)

Of course this couldn't have been everyone else's fault. . I never handled myself well. My self-awareness of my bad behavior made my self-esteem drop even lower, so I took it to an extreme.

If you know me, then you know that I went through a phase. I wasn't a good person. I didn't do good things. By this point I wasn't the fat girl with glasses and crooked teeth anymore. I suppose a lot of you don't know this but I did have an eating disorder. I would maybe consume 500 calories a day and would find a way to take diet pills and would run like crazy. So there that is, out in the open.

So I looked different, yes, but my self-esteem.. yeah, that was still pretty low.

People didn't stop making fun of me, boys only wanted to kiss me, never date me, and that probably took me to the lowest of lows. This was probably around freshman and sophomore year of high school. (SO HERE IS MY BIGGEST CONFESSION) I attempted suicide. On countless occasions but never could bring myself to do it.

Looks didn't make a difference... It wasn't until I changed my attitude that my self-esteem began to rise. The people that I thought didn't like me just didn't like my attitude.

Love everyone, and they will love you too. Do unto others and you would like them to do unto you.

I still struggle with my self-esteem every day. I don't know if that will ever change because the past is the past, but it will always be behind you. It doesn't just disappear. We can bury the hatchet yes, and relationships can be restored, yes, and you can be best friends with who was once your worst enemy, yes, but the past will still emotionally scar you. Even if it's just YOU that you think about.. it will still always be there.

I am now able to look in a mirror and think "I am beautiful, we are all beautiful," but when I think that I will also think about the struggle it was to get to this point.

I know that there is a reason worth living.

(SO MY POINT OF THIS BLOG)

When I am 82, I will still have had those life experiences. I will still be reminded, but now I know that I can be open about it. So my point of this blog is that it is okay to be open about the things that have made you who you are today. It is okay to be open about the issues you are dealing with, because if any of you thought about yourself when reading this, then you know how hard it can be to truly express how you are feeling without the fear of being judged for saying it or expressing it. It's okay. We all have struggles and we all have fear. Let it be known to the world that EVERYONE STRUGGLES. So don't let them judge you. I'm not hiding anymore.. are you?

On a Quest

For the most part we are just all on a quest to find something. I am disappointed in myself because I have found what I was truly meant to find only to become dependent on the most undependable things. People are always looking for love because without love, what is the reason to stay alive as we all strive for it.

"What is life without a purpose, what is purpose without love?" -La Dispute.

When I say I have found what I was looking for, I don't necessarily mean that I have found the one thing that has made me happy and lost it, because the one thing that makes me happy is something you can never lose. When people say "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" they know what they are talking about because pain is a part of life that we have to experience to make ourselves stronger people.

I have made the most changes, the most mistakes, the best decisions, and have met the most influential people in the past year.

I have tried new things, I have seen places, I have experienced the worst people and the best people and as these things have happened I have built a stronger front to prepare me for what is to come.

I don't think my heart has felt as much pain as it has in the past year but I don't think it's ever beat this strong before either. But strength can be confused with pretending to be strong. Are we ever really strong? Or do we just learn how to deal with things?

On this quest, we want to find someone who loves us just as much as we love them. I suppose I am tired of searching and am going to sit back and wait until I find the mortal person who I can see a future with. I have found the greatest love of all with God.

Never have I ever? Ever played that game? Why is it that every time I play I fail to mention "Never have I ever been left behind by God" and instead I say the most irrelevant things. Because thinking about it you can always depend on Him. God has never stressed me out, He's always comforted me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

When it comes to the men of the earth I am just ready to come across the right one because I finally think I deserve it.

I finally think that I have a reason to have standards. I am not the same awkward child. I am not the same drama filled teenager. I have grown out of my awkward stage (well for the most part), I try to filter the drama, I have a strong will to succeed in life, and I know that I deserve way better than what I have settled with in the past. The only person that I have found that knew me for all of it I let go of because I was thought I wasn't good enough. I can finally admit that to myself and wish that I could admit it to that person but I know now that it's too late. I didn't do what I did because I was confused, or hurt, or wanted to be free for a while, it's because I was finally beginning to feel true love and it scared me and I fled like a coward. I'm sorry and it will be a regret added to a list that is very short. I hope you know that is why I did it one day. I hope you will understand but I know that you are so shut off that I will probably never have the chance to tell you how it is.

I have never been this open about my ex but this is my blog, my expression and truthfully he is who I will always look up to because he supported me in life-changing decisions when others wouldn't. It's because of him that I know what a girl should be treated like, what a girl shouldn't be treated like, how a girl should treat a boy and how a girl shouldn't treat a boy. I think that maybe our relationship came at the wrong time, we were 16, we were unaware, we were in love. If we had been older I wonder if things may have turned out differently.

I suppose this quest will be a long one but what is the rush? I am young, free, but.. I am ready for a man. I am ready for a man that will take that initiative to lead. A man of God, a man of reason, an educated man who is as headstrong as I am.

When the proverbs 31 woman video came out I couldn't help but think of how much I want to be that woman, how much I want to live up to something that I left behind but the epiphany I had this morning when I woke up made me realize that I never really left it behind, but that it was just my silhouette as I was running away, waiting for me to catch up to it, rather than it catch up to me. What I strive for is to be a great example for people, I don't do what I do for myself, what's the purpose in that? I have so much to live for and so much of that life has to be lived the way it was supposed to be lived according to the library of wisdom, the Bible. I hope in the time that I become a Proverbs 31 woman, that I will find a Proverbs 1-30 man.

I hope my quest will be interesting, who likes a boring story? I just hope that in my quest I can let myself give it to God and know that he knows what is truly best for me.

For the fear. What's stopping me?

I had a relevant fear, I screamed it at the top of my lungs but did you hear?

Crying and fighting for you to listen, I finally gave up.

I don't need words anymore to further express the regret, further explain my mistakes, furthering your sharp, dirty looks.

I've become lost in my own sea of ideas that would one day change everything

but what is stopping my true feelings?

What is causing all of this pain?

What is holding me back?

"So we escape from our mistakes but they wait patiently for us" - La Dispute

Edit Your Hometown Lyrics

An outcry,
To lost dreams and sense of wonder
To the streets that raised him. Say,
“Goodbye” to the hope for the home he’d been holding.
Say, “Goodbye” and “Be gone” and “Be great.”
To the friends who left when they still could,
For the ones who chose to stay to waste away unplaced,
Alone, and pray
To get out,
To grow old,
To grow strong and
Leave this city, so familiar all it’s places,
All these memories turn each day more to gray,
More they space out till it’s once a year we’ll catch up, maybe less, or
Else just daydreams while he’s working late
Thinks only of those friends and when they left.
“Are we still friends at all, my friends?”

Can I leave?

Rewind and find a younger man,
All hopes and goals and dreams alight and
Bright with friendship at thecrossroads in the night.
“Now make a choice,” the city said.
We were barely twenty then, but
While I swore it my allegiance
They chose leaving, all my friends. And
Now it’s letters, maybe phone calls, that
Come less and less each year.
All addressed with wives and children
To the fool who chose to stay here.
And it hurts me to know I’m alone now,
And it’s worse when I know that I chose it.
Don’t make the same mistake as me,
Don’t make the same mistake.

And now my friends have all left. Or it’s been me gone all along. I guess we all part one day and drop like leaves into The breeze. And ain’t it wild? Ain’t it bitter? (Didn’t it carry you from me?) But it’s the coping with my fear that keeps me Here. See, once it’s gone you can’t retrieve it (Do I regret you? Can I forget you?) I still believe I might get left here. I Might turn 63 still sweeping up the gutters in the street or weeding concrete. Wait and see. We’ll wait and see. Or, rather, I will. Only me.

Only me.

“Don’t make the same mistake as me. Say ‘Goodbye’ and ‘Be gone’ and ‘Be great’ and be done and be free.”

-- La Dispute

I Have Fallen Asleep

I have fallen asleep amongst the amber light shining through the dark, grey clouds.

I have fallen asleep at the sound of the dripping rain.

I have fallen asleep amongst the green blanket of trees.

I have fallen asleep at the sound of the cricket's chirp.

I have fallen asleep at the roar of God's voice, the thunder that echos through the sky.

I have fallen asleep on mother nature's breasts, caught in a dream of a beautiful painting, nature.

Nature - sometimes admired, sometimes passed by.

I'd rather fall asleep.